Iranian Mullahs Have A Sense Of Humor Too

Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has his own website ( better brush up on your Farsi if you don't like the fuzzy-wuzzy 'religion of peace' English version) and he answers your most pressing questions about Ramadan.

First question:

"If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?"

First, Ramadan is only sun-up to sun-down ... I guess these Iranian guys are pretty virile if they can't keep their wicks dry for 12 hours of daylight one month out of the year.

The official Ayatollah response is:

"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a h?ar?m (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a h?aram intentional breaking fasting."

Okay, I am an infidel and I probably deserve to be put to the sword for asking this, but how in the name of Allah is it masturbation if I don't intend it? In fact, how is it masturbation unless, you know, you actually masturbate?

Next question:

"Once in the holy month of Ramadan, I forgot to brush my teeth, and some tiny bits of food remained in my mouth. I swallowed the bits unintentionally. Do I have to perform the qad?a (repent) for that day's fast?"

The official Ayatollah response:

"If you did not know that some bits of food remained between the teeth, or you did not know that they would reach the throat, and they were swallowed unknowingly and unintentionally, then you are not liable to make (repent) of the fast."

In other words, as long as you did not intentionally store that food in your teeth, like some squirrel squirrelling away squirrel nuts for that 12 hours per day, it is okay. And brush your teeth people. After we take you over, we don't want to have to spend a lot of on your dental hygiene.

Finally:

"Can a man conclude a marriage contract for a year with a European girl after getting her agreement with the purpose of going to her country?"

In other words, you are marrying her for no other reason than to set up a splinter cell and make Europeans even more afraid to take a moral stand against terrorism.

The official Ayatollah response is not anything silly about being in love or respecting marriage or not secretly invading European countries to set up terrorist splinter cells. It is:

"There is no problem in that if they are serious in contracting marriage and it is done with her father's permission if she is virgin."

Ha ha ha. Virgins. In Europe.